Posted by: ghostdawg2 | January 4, 2011

Love in China – the question of sex in a relationship with a Chinese woman by Georg Vilefort / 9/29/2010


Ah, the ultimate dilemma; do we engage in sex before we get to know one another well or do we wait.
Whether we want to admit it or not,

sexual compatibility in a relationship is as important as compatibility in other aspects of the relationship. Maybe it is even more essential than other aspects because when there is incompatibility here then it affects all other aspects. We can disagree on what we like to eat, what we like to wear (within reason and as long as it appropriate for the occasion), what activities we enjoy together and by ourselves, what hobbies we have, etc. and these are usually not deal breakers (with the caveat that we do have common ground in these areas), but incompatibility in the sexual part of the relationship will be a deal breaker, even when there is love.

After living in China and becoming acquainted with Chinese women, especially in the way they think and what they feel, I have concluded that they are by far the most sensual women you could ever meet. This may be true about other Asian women too, but most of my experience is with Chinese women.

You are likely wondering what I mean by sensual. I mentioned at the end of one of my previous blogs that men and women in China do not have the experience of dating each other and finding out about each other prior to marriage, which might explain the disconnect they have with expectations in a relationship and the reality of the typical relationship. Chinese women, for the most part, want their husband to love them, first and foremost; to put her first in life. When you put her first, you also put family first. Western men are accustomed to this and would agree with a Chinese woman's thinking. I think this is why most of us are looking for a Chinese life partner. That puts us at a huge advantage over Chinese men. Chinese men expect women to cater to them and take care of them, just as their mothers did and continue to do.

As Linda Chen points out in her blog and as I have discovered myself, we appeal to a Chinese woman's sense of romance more than Chinese men do. We appeal more to their emotions because of our experience, ability, and knowledge in expressing love in its myriad forms. Even if you are a country bumpkin you probably know more about pleasing a woman than the average Chinese man. I think we generally make them feel comfortable expressing their love too and when this happens, the sensuality of the woman comes out. They find it easy to fall in love with us, maybe too quickly for comfort as some of you may experience. Do not think that they are trying to fool you, as western women are so prone to do. If anything, Chinese women are very sincere in their beliefs. When they love, they give it their all.

I think too that many Chinese women are like men in what they value in a relationship; general compatibility including sex. However, they are afraid that men they like and love will think they are "easy". From a man's perspective, it may seem that they are easy, but they are just as concerned about compatibility in all aspects of the relationship as you are. Chinese women as a rule are as sexual as men are, i.e. they do not use sex as a tool, as western women do, when they are in love or in a loving relationship and they also view sex as a shared experience holding nothing back. As a western man seeking a Chinese life-mate, you need to be aware that Chinese women do not know much about sex, even if they were previously married. You may find this hard to believe, but their experiences are based upon pleasing or trying to please a Chinese man. Chinese men, as a rule, do not know how to please their wives, as they are primarily concerned about pleasing themselves. You will have to teach them and they are excellent students.

How do I know this? I know because I have talked to quite a few Chinese men about their relationships with their girlfriends and or wives. Ply them with a few beers or hard liquor and they inevitably tell you more than you would want to know. If you can keep your wits with the drinking, you can ask very pointed questions, which will surprise you with the answers you get. I do not embarrass easily but I have been embarrassed in some of these conversations. Some of the responses and comments are really like some of the "red neck" jokes you may hear in the west.

Treat a Chinese woman, as you would expect a man to treat your sister (if you have a sister). Many Chinese women are as Linda Chen wrote in her blog, "I am the one who is easily ignited by the first two ways. I love kisses, hugs, and caresses. And, as far as I know, most western men are experts compared with their Chinese counterparts".

The ones I have known seem starved for the affection we can give them and that we easily give them. When you give them this affection from your heart and soul, it will be returned to you a hundred fold. In the truest sense of the words, you reap what you sow.


Georg Vilefort first lived in Hong Kong in 2006. He has now been living in China since early 2009, first in Nanjing and now in Dalian. Georg comes from a background in Engineering and Public Health but is currently teaching English while exploring and appreciating China. Georg has traveled extensively in China and is also exploring a new relationship with a Chinese lady.

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